Clenched Teeth and Rage

    Had a 7 guest table today that drove me up a wall. Not Everyone at the table, just one lady in particular.

     For starters, when giving her bread, she took the utensils out of my hand, without asking mind you, and said "Let me show you how to do this, I can see you haven't learned this yet." I said " I apologize ma'am this was us the way we were taught to do it and its been working out so far." She retorts with well if this is what they teach you then your professor is a little off."

     OK you just insulted my professor, you are now on my shit list lady. Then she looks at me and says "Get me a new bread plate, and a fork and knife while your at it. Mine are no good anymore." This is after one use. So I put on my best smile and get them for her.

     I begin to take the appetizer orders, she wants a single ravioli to taste, and she would also like the squash soup. They get brought out, everybody eats, I get compliments on everything, When i go to clear her, I ask "How did you enjoy your appetizers?"

"Well the ravioli was delicious."

"And did you enjoy our squash soup?"

"Ha, no. I'm disappointed in the chef, this soup is absolutely unacceptable. It's to squashy and it's thick. This is a disgrace! Now crumb my table, It's a mess"

    Too squashy? It's squash soup shit for brains. What did you think it was going to taste like? That's like saying this chicken is to chickeny.

     Next she turns to her friend and says;

"Did you put lemon in your water?"

Her friend replies "No, I'm not to fond of lemons."

"Oh well you should"

"No that's alright." Then the lady turns to me and says "Go get us some lemons, why aren't there any on my table?"

"Yes ma'am of course."

I bring them back and she takes them out of my hand before i can even set the plate down and squeezes them into her friends water "There you go, that's better."  Her friend just looked dumbfounded. Then we went to pour some more wine for her husband and she turned and said "No, no, hes had enough." Wooow

And last but not least, she asked what my plans were after I graduate, I told her that i was planning on coming back for the bachelors program. She scoffed and said "Well you should go to Le Cordon Blu in France because its better, and so is European cooking." Well then you should have gone to the Esscoffier Restaurant because there french dining and how dare you insult my school. We are the worlds premier culinary college. Go screw yourself. You have no idea. -5 points for stupidity.

Would you like more half and half with your salad?

    Oh how i loath being front of house. You have to be niiiccee to people and what not, but some of the upsides are watching some of the funny things guests do.

     Today we had a tour bus come in of elderly ladies. 18 of them the be exact. There tables were pre set with sugar, creamer, salt, pepper, silverware, glassware, and bread and butter. We brought out their salads looking like a perfect line of professional waiters with our fake smiles. One lady says to the other "Oh look, we have extra salad dressing." before i could say anything she poured the half and half creamer all over her salad thinking it was extra dressing. THEN SHE ATE IT AND DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE! haha wow. So that was our entertainment. Man did that make my day haha!

-5 points for stupidity

Goodbye Student F

     If student F could get the seat numbers correct just once on the ticket..... I would be in absolute awww of what had just happened. It's painful to watch the guests at every single one of Student F's tables have to switch there plates because Student F couldn't get the seat numbers right. Here's what boggles my mind........ the seat numbers are the same on every table and they never change. O well.

     Student F happened to be my partner on the last day of class. Oh what a joy ride. I'm bustin' my hump doing table maintenance and student F is missing. Where could they be? I go in the back to take back some dirty dishes, there she is.... eating ice cream. -5 points for stupidity

Me: "WTF!!!!!! Are you kidding me? We have tables, what the hell are you doing back here?!"

Student F: "Eating ice cream... duh. haha"

Me: We have tables to take care of. Get out here!!"

Student F: "But it will melt."

Me: "Ya know what? I don't give a s**t!"

    I walked away before anymore could be said. Later Student F left unexpectedly even after the professor told her that is she leaves, she will receive a 0 for the day. How can you just leave? Honestly. Whatever

    Later we were doing wrap up in the dining room, going over everything that had happened that day. The MIT asks everyone "What was your favorite part about St Andrew?"

Student 1: "Getting more experience in the front of house."

Student 2: "Livin' it up with you guys of course!"

and the comments go on and on until they go to me. I looked around at everybody, motion toward the door and say "My favorite part? Watching Student F walk out that door and knowing i never have to work with her again." Satisfaction at last. Good riddence

Table 19

     One of my favorite events so far was tricking somebody 3 days in a row with the same trick. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Fool my three times in a row, put me down.

     In the St. Andrews Restaurant  the first row of tables is numbered 11-15, the second row is 21-25, and this pattern continues so on and so forth. Now the trick here is to catch someone whilst they are in a hurry. Student F was standing there looking lost as usual when another student came up to them, handed them a pitcher of water and said in a rushed voice "Take this to table 19. They've been waiting on water for a while." Student F replies " Ya, no prob." then walks across the dining room and stands there looking blankly and frantically for table 19. SURPRISE there is no table 19. Oh we all snickered and turned back to do our work. Student F goes to the professor and says "Uuuuummm.... wheres table 19?" The professor looks and says "There is no table 19, what are you talking about?" then shakes his head and walks away.

     The next day during service, someone in the class goes up to Student F and says "Take this bread to table 19 and tell them their meal will be out shortly." Student F takes the bread, goes out in to the dining room and looks around with an extraordinarily confused look, goes to get the professor, and they repeat the conversation that took place the day before. We all laugh and think this is to good to be true.

     The next day, the professor goes up to Student F and says "Table 19 has been sat, here are there menus, can you go take their orders?" Student F takes the menus ready to do our teacher proud, goes out once again into the dining room and just looks around for table 19. after a couple minutes of just standing there, Student F goes over to the professor and asks "Where is the table again? I forget." The professor just shakes his head and walks away chuckling. Now were rolling over laughing uncontrollably at the fact that after this happening the past two days, you would think that Student F would have finally caught on. NOPE.

     -5 points for stupidity

Inside Voices Please

     Gotta love when I'm taking the orders at a table and Student F yells my name across the dining room to get my attention. So much for the nice peaceful meal the guests thought they were going to get.

     Better yet when I'm standing next to a table waiting to give someone their wine because Student F never told me what seat number it was going to, just what table..... Awkward. So I politely wait for Student F to stop talking the guests ear off when she turns around, sees me, and then says out loud, not being discreet at all. oh "The wine goes to the old lady." WOOOOOOWWW!!! There goes the hospitality, right out the window.

    I apologize to the elderly woman for what had happened and asked if there was anything I could get (besides a gun to put Student F out of their misery). She kindly shook her head no and said that's alright. Thank goodness.

- 5 points for stupidity

So much for Mise en Place

     Welcome to the front of house. We are now in classes that require us to wear black pants, polished shoes, white button up CIA shirt, vest, long black socks, black belt and last but not least the tie and servers apron. In the front of house classes such as the one about to be shared in this story, St. Andrews, we are taught how to become better servers. Student F however has a problem with this......surprise surprise.

     When preparing to place a table (giving the table the correct silverware for the next coarse) you create a STP which is a silverware transport plate. This sets you up so everything you need for the next coarse is in the order of the seat numbers and makes your life a whole lot easier and less embarrassing. this however was not the case for student F.

     Student F proceeded to throw whatever random silverware they thought was necessary into the STP creating a clusterf**k to dig through and chancing not even having what you need. After I watched Student F do so, they went to the table and began to place. Guess what..... wrong table.... and if it had been the right table, the positioning of who got what silverware for what dish was all messed up as well. GREAT.

    Please, for the love of god grow a brain

-5 points for stupidity

YOU SHALL NOT PAAAASSSSSS!!! (Part 4) (That’s right, there’s more)

                Lecture time, for my class that is. Chef is talking about how facebook and texting have begun to diminish the way we interact when face to face when Student F makes one of those comments that make you think “Whaaaat?”

“Chef you’re totally right, some people are like so dumb, they think facebook is like real ya know?” –Student F

WOW. As opposed to what? Facebook is a figment of everyone’s imagination?

In another lecture Chef was discussing how after WWII food companies would put dye in non-organic  so people knew if what they were buying was processed or not. He eventually asked us if anyone knew what color margarine originally was. Hands shot up, yellow and white were the two colors that came out of everyone’s mouths. Chef just smiled and said “Nope, It was bright pink.” Of course now everyone is thinking hmm….. didn’t know that one. Here comes the monkey wrench in lecture. 

“Oh I didn’t know that. Are you sure chef?” – Student F.  

Everyone looked at each other like did someone really ask chef that question.

Chef whips around, “Yes I’m sure, what… why would you even ask me that…. ya know what don’t answer that. You only have one question left for the day.”

Needless to say, Student F should probably be put down. It’s for the best. -5 points for stupidity. 

YOU SHALL NOT PAAAASSSSSS!!! (Part 3) (This is Ridiculous)

                So the other day I happened to be in the walk in refrigerator looking for the Caesar dressing that I made the previous day when guess who walks in balling their eyes out. If you guessed Student F, you’re right. “Chef is being so mean to me today.” exclaimed student F. It took a lot to hold back saying “Well that’s probably because he’s tired of how stupid you are and he can’t stand talking to you for one more second!” but alas, I held my tongue.

                Later on I was haulin’ ass in the kitchen trying to cook this and mix that while prepping ingredients for the next day and cleaning up all at the same time, the usual kitchen work, when out of the corner of my eye, I see student F just standing there by the wall clutching her hand. At the time I was so busy I really didn’t think anything of it. So I’m flying around and come back over to my station about five minutes later and student F is still standing there.

“What are you doin?” –Me

 I walk over.

“I cut myself but I don’t know how bad because if I look I’ll cry.” – Student F

“Did you tell Chef or the TA?” – Me

“No.” – Student F

So, me making an attempt at caring, I go let Chef know.

“What the hell…. What did you do?” – Chef

After that I just walked away. I couldn’t bare it anymore. Chef needs to help that poor excuse for a student at every turn. Practically does their job for them.  Chef definitely has more patients with Student F than I do. Although Student asks soooooo many questions Chef has now limited my classmate to two questions a day. BEAUUUUUUTIFUL.

“Chef I have a question.” – Student F

“Whaaaaaattttt.” - Chef in a whiney what the hell do you want now voice.

“I was wondering if blah blah blah blah blah ……..(question after question after question after question barrage) ” – Student F

“Ya know what, shut up,  just shut up for five seconds. JESUS. From now on you have two questions a day ok? Make them count.” –Chef

Oooohhhh I was happy.

“Why do I only get two questions chef?” – Student F

“Because you’re getting on my nerves, and now you only have one question for the day.” – Chef

                                                                                                          TO BE CONTINUED……

YOU SHALL NOT PAAAASSSSSS!!! (Part 2)

               

           “Do not pass go, do not collect your diploma” will be ringing in this students ears for a 6^th year in a row if they don’t start to think soon. I mean looking for deboning tweezers for 45 minutes because you don’t like your own? You must be saying “Oh come on, you’re joking right?” Well no, I’m afraid not.

There was also a day when I was assigned to help Student F (F for failure) pick up the meat order so it can be fabricated. We got there, picked up the meat, and then on the way back, pushing a top heavy rolling rack full of meat, student F decides it’s a good time to check their cell phone and make a call. Well with only one person pushing the cart, aka your truly, it almost tipped over. So of course now I’m pissed because we almost lost the cart because student F wants to make a phone call in the middle of class. Funny thing is two days later…. someone else got assigned to help get the meat cart with Student F,  low and behold, it tipped over spilling the freshly fabricated meat upon the asphalt.

                

             Later, I watched Student F go into the walk in refrigerator.  Five minutes later I went in to gather some mise en place and saw my classmate just standing in there staring at a shelf.

“What are you looking for” – Me

“Well I’m trying to decide whether both these pans have duck legs or if one is chicken legs. I can’t tell.” –

Student F

“Well aren’t you the one who put them in the pans? Aren’t they both labeled?” – Me

“Ya but I still can’t tell the difference.” Student F

               

             At this point I walked out. Of course both pans were labeled duck legs. I just wanted to let my classmate stand in there trying to figure it out for another few minutes. What a pointless conversation.

-5 points for stupidity.

                                                                                                        TO BE CONTINUED……

                 

YOU SHALL NOT PAAAASSSSSS!!!

            So let me start off by stating the particular student in the spotlight of this entry has been in the Associates degree program for the last five years! This program is meant to be a one year, eight month program. So I’m not quite sure how someone has managed to afford continuing their education here at such a stifling, staggering pace. If I were to have failed a class four times in a row, I’d be done. I probably would have realized this career does not agree with me.

                

            To start the colossally horrifying saga of said student, I was approached by my classmate and with them was a fistful of thyme. They came up to me, looked at me and said “Is this rosemary, or thyme?” I just said “Yes.” And walked away before I said something I’d most likely regret.

Now this person has been here five years…. FIVE! Within that amount of time one would think that a student would absorb the fact that this is either not for them or the repetitive and common information would eventually take hold in their brain.  Apparently not.

The next day, the class was talking about the flavors in the sausage that my partner and I had prepared for family meal. Somehow paprika was brought up in the conversation. My five year fellow student then asked a question that made the rom go quiet. Face palms spread like wildfire, people were looking away because they couldn’t believe what they had heard. “Does paprika have a flavor, or is it just a spice thingy?” Unfreakinbelievable. No answer was given. 

This is going to be one interesting class. -5 points for stupidity. 

                                                                                                             TO BE CONTINUED……

You Thought Smarter, but are Working Harder?

     Logic was lost in thought process of a student one day in the banquets kitchen. When blanching vegetables, shocking them in ice water is recommended, which this student did just fine.

     

     Working smarter, my classmate filled a large bowl with ice water and placed a colander in it to extract the vegetables with ease, putting them in the colander then removing them with it. The unfortunate part is, this is not exactly how the removal of the vegetables took place.

     

     Working harder, said classmate used a slotted spoon to begin removing the produce one piece at a time.

 Uh…. Hello? It’s in a colander, just pick it up so the water drains and dump it into the container.  -5 points for stupidity

Raw Shmaw, Send it Out

     Just because Chef used it on a demo plate and its sitting there does not mean it is supposed to be sent out as was the case. As one of my classmates and I prepare ourselves for what is about to be a dreadfully boring service as we were on the vegetarian option station which does not get many orders at all.

     Chef was attempting to create a demo plate for us when realization that the polenta wasn’t finished yet made itself present. So in order to show us how to create our vegetarian dish, he simply took a raw piece of polenta and placed it upon the plate creating our visual of position and representation of what is to be plated.

     OK, service time. First order comes back; one of my classmates quickly grabbed the demo plate with the raw polenta, and now cold food, and began to take it to the front to be served. Come on now, you’re a 5^th term CIA student who’s about to graduate, get your act together. Luckily somebody caught it and was able to get rid of it before Chef saw what crime was about to be committed.  -5 points for stupidity.

1+1=Carrot

      There are some things in the culinary math world that stand true for amounts and weights, but when you start thinking that thats true with most things, guess whos product is gonna be way off when finished. Though it is true an egg may weigh two ounces, one ounce for the yolk and one for the white, and a pint of water weighs precisely one pound, one cannot acertain that all produce weighs the same.

      In this case, a student in my class read the recipe as two pounds of carrots was needed so the classmate grabbed two carrots. I'm sure you can see where this is going already. The two carrots together did not even weigh a pound but that was this students process of thought. WRONG. 1 pound + 1 pound does not equal two carrots. Chef was able to come over and correct the mistake by asking about fifteen times "How much does the recipe call for and how much do you have there?" and the student replying "I need two pounds so I cut up two carrots Chef." The problem was however rectified through this exchange of Q&As'. -5 points for stupidity

To soon Chef?

          Some people just don't think before they do or at least they don't try to i suppose. There is a class at the Culinary Institute of America where two classes have to work together. This class is banquets. It takes place for three weeks where we spend seven days working the front of the house as servers and seven days working the back of the house making the food to be served. Our sister class is the opposite as you can imagine so one class is doing the cooking and the other the serving, then we switch. As it so happens it was my classes turn in the back of the house and we were cooking with gas, metaphorically and literally.

          As it so happens, we were getting ready to open for service when I heard Chef yelling "What the hell!!! Where did the appetizers go? We only had half plated!!" The class went silent, apps team went in search of the missing tiny works of art they were in the middle of plating. The problem was, they weren't completely finished and they had disappeared. Low and behold there are the servers standing in the doorway waiting for the apps. One asks chef "We're running low on the apps when are the rest gonna be done?" Chef retorts " You didn't! Tell me you didn't take the apps out already!" Student replies "Yes, people were seated and we saw the apps sitting here ready to go so we started serving." Storm clouds begin to brew in Chef's head, here comes the maelstrom.

           "YOU DID WHAT!!!???" THEY WERE'NT READY! HOW COULD.... WHY DIDN'T.... ARE YOU SERIOUS? HOW COULD YOU START SERVING AND NOT TELL ME? I AM THE CHEF, I AM IN CHARGE OF WHEN WE START PLATING! YOU NEED TO ASK IF WE'RE READY OR NOT, YOU NEED TO......." This yelling continued for roundabouts of 2 minutes or so. the kitchen dead quiet and diligently working with heads down focused on task the tasks at hand. Once the storm was over, he commented about how proud he was of us and how he was glad we don't act like the sister class.  

         What need to be understood here is that servers need to clear anything food wise with the Chef or there will be hell to pay. All in all taking the apps without asking was beyond stupid, that's like taking an unfinished steak from a pitbull, your about to get your head ripped off. Just not smart. - 5 points for stupidity

Follow the Bouncing Student

          Working in a class with eighteen to twenty student, I realize that there are some who will eventually get on my nerves with what they do or how they go about doing it. This is so in the case of one student in particular. Don't get me wrong, the fellow classmate is extraordinarily smart and works hard and performed their externship at one of the most renown restaurants in the United States. Unfortunately, said classmate drives me up the proverbial wall.

            Outside of class we are good friends and can chat and have a good time, but the methods that this particular classmate uses can only be described as if took a compulsive, crazed rodent and introduced it to cocaine. Something like this, but in a chef jacket and checkered pants.

             The classmate fly's around the class bouncing around the kitchen like hes being chased by some wily beast that will he them up if they stop moving. The smallest tasks end up looking like a marathon or a workout of some sort. To top it all off, the student gives other people advice on how to do everything because that's the way  it should be done and because it's quicker. When witnessing said student mince or dice a product, their nose is so close to the cutting board that if their not careful they might end up hearing something along the lines of "HEY, there's a nose in my food!" But then again, hey, free nose.

             Let me start my retort by saying, just because you want to get a workout and you use every muscle in you body to complete a simple task such as moving plates back and forth does not make it quicker.What is may do is make you look silly and I'm not sure if your trying to do your job or invent the next version of the electric slide, but to each his own i suppose. If it works for you, then it works. But please, don't try to superimpose it on the rest of us. -5 points for stupidity

Oh you've got to be kidding

           Some questions are found to be OK when asked. These questions are called confirming questions. But when a questions is presented that begs a slap upside the head, you have to wonder... were they dropped as a child? We've all been guilty of questions like these at some point or another, mostly when we were new here, and every once in a blue moon a question will slip out that we soon realize was dumb. 
  
            My class is now in the final few classes before graduation. With only three left (the hardest ones of all) everyone is getting on edge. We've been here over a year at the worlds premier culinary college and yet some just don't think before they speak. 

              I was asked on e of these questions just yesterday. Everything was ready and good to go for service. All the teams were on standby ready to go. The group leader was going around letting everyone know for the final time what their positions were to be during service. When the group leader came to my team, she announced that I and another would be plating and the third team member would be a runner, then walked away. The second team member and I looked at each other ready to start plating the second our doors opened, the third group member however looked like a lost puppy, here comes the question....

Third group member: "What does a runner do?"

Second group member: (just walks away)

Me: " You take the food to the door so they can take it to the guests."

Third group member: " Who takes it to the guests?"

Me: "The servers from the other class."

Third group member: "Where do they come in so i can give them the plates?"

Me: "The same door they've always come through."

Third group member: (blankly stares at me like I'm talking gibberish)

Me: "You take the plate from me to the door where chef is and the servers and the hot line, the only door food ever goes in or out of. that door right there (points to door)...... you run the plate from here to there (points again directing the path of travel to be taken)

Third group member: "I thiiink i got it."

Needless to say this conversation should have never taken place. Your a seasoned CIA student and are about to graduate. Now i will be the first to admit i ask a lot of questions but they are questions that pertain to how a chef likes something to be done since they all have their own little special way.


Moral of the story, think before you ask. -5 for stupidity.